We're All Simply Mad Here…

My own perception of reality… one blog post at a time.

There’s whiskey in the jar-oh…

on December 27, 2012

You know it’s been a bad night when I reach for my whiskey bottle and a glass. I can hear my husband upstairs watching TV, or rather, I can hear the TV but I’m pretty sure he’s asleep. So, I’m sat here with my old friend Bushmills (a bottle of distillery reserve I bought on our honeymoon two years ago) thinking that maybe if I write this all down and get it out of my head I’ll be able to go to sleep. Alternatively I’ll drink the Bushmills until I go to sleep.

My friend L is dying. It’s not new news, we’ve known for a couple of months. Cancer, again. Fucking stupid evil disease. As a bit of back story, I lost my MIL earlier this year to cancer and watching her die will haunt me forever. It’s accelerated recently and she’s getting very weak. Tonight we all went round to her house, I assumed it was for knitting. Turns out she wanted the four of us there so we could go through and find new homes for all her crafting stuff. Sensible thing to do I grant you, give it to the crafters but there’s something soul destroying and horrible about divvying up someone’s possessions while they sit there, knowing that they are doing it because they are going to die. So the four of us put on a brave face and set to the task. It’s mostly card making stuff and I don’t do paper crafts so the other three went through it all. I sat next to L, or brought boxes or just did whatever. T and I had a chat about it when I dropped her off and we both agree that we do this because its clearly what L wants and right now our job is to make sure her last few weeks are happy. Now is not the time to show her upset and grief. Doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to sit here and drink whiskey and think about a time not so long ago when I did this. I am rational enough to know that what I am doing is starting the grieving process now. It’s a strange thing but I’ve never had someone close to me die suddenly. It’s always been cancer, always been a drawn out process.

Today started out well though. We got up late after being at T’s for her Boxing Day bash. We went into town to spend our Christmas money and my voucher for winning my works Biggest Loser challenge. So I made out like a bandit. I used my voucher and a little bit of my Christmas money to buy a bottle of my favourite perfume. I got 4 books (Kirstie’s Vintage Home, Patch by Cath Kidston, The Hobbit and The Silmarillion) and 4 new DVDs (Matrix Trilogy, Hunger Games, The Secret of Crichley Hall and Lewis Season 6). We ate at Handmade Burger and that was nice. I’m probably going to put back on all the weight I lost over the holidays but we go back on the diet in January until we’re at goal.

I’d tell you all about my Christmas but I don’t really feel in the mood to rehash the argument between my sister and I. Instead I’m going to finish my whiskey and do a bit of knitting before bed.


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